Im only 17, one of the youngest in the year group. When was a kid i had very limited friends because no one would play with me. I used to sit in the corner by myself and only had 2 friends. As I grew older I still had limited friends. Having limited friends growing up always made me think that no one wants to be my friends. The Srestha you see in front of you today has had a wacky child hood. Yes i was blessed in the sense i had awesome parents who loved me and cared for me to death, but when it came to school i was alone. If i ever spoke up my friends would stop talking to me. Perhaps that is why i seek comfort in keeping quiet and to my self. As i grew older i came into a group of friends who were all athletic and could play games. I tried my best, but being the fat indian kid i didnt get far. When playing games like elastcs i would always loose. No one would want me in their team. They made a new position for me "the ghost", the player that is in no ones team but can play. I guess they felt sorry for me. Why wouldn't they. I always stuck to teachers, and perhaps that is why i enjoy talking to my teachers and going to them for help.
It was only in high school that i started to make friends, but even then i remained reserved, never really showing who i was. I have made a few best friends in high school i love to death and who know me for who i am. At school i am a totally different person, the total opposite of who i really am. No one at school besides a few people know my interests, my talents, my likes and my habits. Its a shame that i finished high school and 95% of people dont know who i really am. But that not the point, the point is that lately i have been feeling really down. Yes I am the srestha who always laughs and makes jokes, but is that really me? Looking through my photos i was never a skinny kid, and in this day and age that is so disgusting is seems like being skinny means everything. I am not one to follow fads and to conform, but lately it seems like my mind is going there.
You know it really hurts when you constantly remind me how I'm not skinny and dont look good in this dress and that dress. it hurts when you point out to other people and say that "you could have been like her". I know, i used to play competitive tennis but stopped, i know i used to do piano but stopped, i know i used to sing but stopped, i know i used to dance and then i stopped, i know i started the guitar but stopped. I stopped so many things and do you think it dosent hurt? When i perform on stage, and others clap i feel happy. And then you remind me that if i had practiced more i could have maybe done better. Yes i made mistakes and i didnt study as hard in junior years but i cant turn back times. I am trying my hardest now and its not good enough. I came top 5 is half of my subjects but still you say i could have done better. Why can you never be truly proud. I need all you know the most and it is now that you guys are making me feel like shit. Do you not think i want to walk down the street wearing the pretty dress? Do you not think i want to become successful in life. Being a teenager in the 21st century is hard as hell. I know you have alot of expectations on me and i do try to fulfil them, but i wish you accepted the fact that i cant always be first and i cant always sing the best at concerts.
Im insecure just like every single person in this world. We are all fighting our own battles and it would help if you supported. You say stuff like "dont worry srestha can eat the whole thing", i laugh it off and join in, but have you thought is that actually hurt me? I know im not tall, or skinny or very smart or can sing as well as others but each day i try. You just have to accept me for who i am. I will never be the smartest girl or the skinniest or prettiest girl. I will always be srestha, and i know that this srestha may not be good enough for you but i hope you learn to accept the fact that i did try. i made mistakes and im trying to fix them now. I know that time has been lost and i can never recover those moments. If i could go back in time i would never leave competitive tennis, i would never leave piano or guitar or dancing. I would try better at studies and maybe i would practice singing a bit more. I am who i am today and i am because of these mistakes a much more stronger person. Growing up i was never surrounded by friends who loved me but i found people alone the way that actually do accept me for who i am and love me. I hope they will be here forever. But please, just try too understand, im human to and i am trying.
I know that if i don't get a specific atar you will not be pleased. but what can i do? i am trying. i really am. i just hope that you guys can appreciate the fact that i am trying and now just bitch about me behind my back that i am now studying and that i will get no where in life.
I wish you understood
Singning off,
forger. xo
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